Esther Perel vine și cu exemple din experienţa ei de terapeut de cuplu care îi ilustreazã concluziile (mã rog, partea asta e mai puţin interesantã decât te-ai aștepta de la niște povești intime). E o carte binevenitã pentru cei care-și pun probleme despre diverse aspecte ale vieţii de cuplu și care ar prefera sã nu discute subiectul cu alţii. Te lasã cu o senzaţie de normalitate despre propriile plãceri, fantezii, frustrãri din viaţa personalã pe care te ferești sã le împãrtãșești cu prietenii de frica de a nu pãrea deviant. Sunt subiecte considerate de mulţi tabu, dar care reprezintã firescul pentru mulţi, și pe bunã dreptate.
"While love promises us relief from aloneness, it also heightens our dependence on one person. It is inherently vulnerable. We tend to assuage our anxieties through control. We feel safer if we can contract the distance between us, maximize the certainty, minimize the threats, and contain the unknown. Yet some of us defend against the uncertainties of love with such zeal that we cut ourselves off from its richness.
There’s a powerful tendency in long-term relationships to favor the predictable over the unpredictable. Yet eroticism thrives on the unpredictable. Desire butts heads with habit and repetition. It is unruly, and it defies our attempts at control. So where does that leave us?"
"Many of the men and women I see in my practice find it particularly difficult to introduce this kind of emotional space into their loving relationships. You would think that the safety of an established base would make it easier to take these kinds of risks, but no. A secure relationship does indeed give us the courage to act on our professional ambitions, to confront family secrets, and to take the skydiving course we never dared consider before. Yet we balk at the idea of establishing distance within the relationship itself –the very place that grants us the delicious togetherness in the first place. We can tolerate space anywhere but there.
Sexual desire does not obey the laws that maintain peace and contentment between partners. Reason, understanding, compassion and camaraderie are the handmaidens of a close, harmonious relationship. But sex often evokes unreasoning obsession rather that thoughtful judgement, and selfish desire rather that altruistic consideration. Aggression, objectification, and power all exist in the shadow of desire, components of passion that do not necessarily nurture intimacy. Desire operates along its own trajectory."
"The caring, protective elements that nurture home life can go against the rebellious spirit of carnal love. We often choose a partner who makes us feel cherished; but after the initial romance we find […] that we can’t sexualize him or her. We long to create closeness in our relationships, to bridge the space between our partner and ourselves, but, ironically, it is this very space between self and others that is the erotic synapse. In order to bring lust home, we need to re-create the distance that we worked so hard to bridge. Erotic intelligence is about creating distance, then bringing that space to life."
"Instead of always striving for closeness, I argue that couples may be better off cultivating their separate selves. If cultivating separateness sounds harsh, let’s think of it instead as nurturing a sense of selfhood. […] Personal intimacy demarcates a private zone, one that requires tolerance and respect. It is a space –physical, emotional, and intellectual- that belongs only to me. Not everything needs to be revealed. Everyone should cultivate a secret garden."
"In our era of communication, intimacy has been redefined. No longer is it the deep knowledge and familiarity that develop over time and can be cultivated in silence. Instead, we think of intimacy primarily as a discursive process, one that involves self-disclosure, the trustful sharing of our most personal and private material –our feelings."
"The poetics of sex, however, are often politically incorrect, thriving on power plays, role reversals, unfair advantages, imperious demands, seductive manipulations, and subtle cruelties. American men and women, shaped by the feminist movement and its egalitarian ideals, often find themselves challenged by these contradictions. We fear that playing with power imbalances in the sexual arena, even in a consensual relationship between mature adults, risks overthrowing the respect that is essential to human relationships."
By no means am I calling for a reversal of history or an antifeminist agenda. Any discussion of modern-day couples and sexuality would be perversely wrongheaded if it did not recognize the enormous and vastly salutary influence of feminism on the shape of American family life. […] Without denigrating those historically significant achievements, I do believe that the emphasis on egalitarian and respectful sex –purged of any expressions of power, aggression, and transgression- is antithetical to erotic desire for men and women alike."
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